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My missis told me she was leaving me over what she reckoned was my "obsession" with football. I told her I thought that was a bit harsh, and would she consider just going out on loan until the end of the season.

We were sitting quietly, last night, and my missis said "I Iove you," right out of the blue.
I told her that was lovely and jokingly asked: "But Is that you talking or the wine".
She said: "Shut up, it's me talking TO the wine."

Don't you hate it when you clean out your freezer and find people you don't even recognize...

Just sayin'...


I took the dog out for a walk yesterday. I went through the graveyard as usual and a bloke passing by said "morning."
I said "no, just taking the dog for a walk."

I just found out that Neil Diamond was a strict vegetarian.

Swede. Carrot. Lime.

Ba ba ba...

That is utterly terrible paul so silly

I almost spat my tea out

Vinyl-ant wrote: ↑Thu Jun 18, 2020 7:43 pm That is utterly terrible paul so silly

I almost spat my tea out

The 5 second rule doesn't work where there's a 2 second dog.

If you add too much water when cooking rice just throw in some mobile phones.

Wife: I really get the impression, sometimes, that all the men in the world have to share just one brain.
Me: [I can't think of a good reply as it's not my day to use the brain.]