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A man hires a hitman to kill his nagging wife of 40 yrs.
The hitman says "It will take one shot just below her left breast."
The man says "I want her dead not kneecapped."

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said,
'Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time.'
She said 'You have the Biggest Dick of all your Friends.'

Kylie, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge in London.
Suddenly Kylie tripped and fell ending up on her knees with her head rammed in between the bridge rails.
Quick as a flash Robbie whipped off her pants and started rogering her...
After Robbie had done his business with Kylie he turned to Elton and said "OK Elton, now it's your turn."
Suddenly Elton burst into tears.
"What's wrong Elton" said Robbie.
To which Elton replied through his tears "My head won't fit in the rails."

A woman goes into her local Ann Summers shop in Liverpool and askes for a vibrator,
the assistant shows her a whole row of them hung on the wall and the woman asks for the red one on the end ,
the assistant says madam that is a fire extinguisher.

Although Pooh missed Piglet that pulled pork sandwich had been delicious.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a rescue helicopter, 10 men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.