Jokes & Funnies

[slinger]

My bread knife broke this morning. Gutted. We've been together through thick and thin.

[slinger]

Prime Minister Gordon Brown called Chancellor Of The Exchequer Alastair Darling into his office one day and said, 'Darling, I have a great idea! We're going to go all out to win back Middle England and con them into voting Labour at the next general election'. 'Good idea PM.' said Darling. 'But how the hell are going to do that? In just 11 years, you and Blair have ruined Britain economically by creating a false boom based on irresponsible government borrowing and the encouragement of record personal debt. Our party has devalued Britain's culture and history so not to offend newcomers - and trashed its values of manners and respect in the name of liberalism. Our party has slaughtered what was left of freedom-of- speech and common sense with political correctness. We broke our promise of a democratic ref erendum on the European Constitution/Lisbon Treaty simply because we knew the British people would resoundingly say "No". We've lost the personal data of millions of families and we're unable to get rid of a million or so illegal immigrants, many of whom hate Britain anyway. You and Blair squandered all the stealth taxes you've managed to squeeze out of British people and wasted tens of billions of pounds - their money - on badly run, bureaucrat-dominated services as well as armies of overpaid 'diversity this', 'human rights that' 'equality other' jobsworths'. You sold a third of Britain's gold reserves when they were at their lowest value. You wrecked the pension schemes of millions of people. Even now, our party is making taxpayers fund the largest increases in salaries, pensions and expenses allowances for MPs ever. We've undermined the nuclear family and ruined the education system. We've got full prisons - so we encourage the system to let murderers and rapists back onto the street after about 48 months. We've given burglars and muggers and shoplifters and uninsured drivers and stabbers and shooters more rights than their victims, spending more on those criminals than we do on care for the innocent elderly, many of whom fought for this country. And we've created a far worse terrorist threat to everyone in Britain by lying about - then involving ourselves - in other people's wars."

'And you're absolutely right about all that, Darling.' said Brown, beaming proudly, 'But let's not worry ourselves about it. The voters are stupid - they have very short memories. So here's how we'll win back the middle classes anyway: We'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper green wellies, a stick and a flat cap and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in 'Little Something' or wherever, and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside ... oh, and remember not to mention the Hunting with Dogs Act.'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and, with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale please' said Brown. 'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is, coming up.' Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar happily contemplating yet another list of new taxes, 'green' taxes, higher taxes, greater fines, new restrictions on personal freedom, what UK powers we have left that could still be handed over to bureaucrats in the EU. And they laughed as they discussed how white, middle-class British people could be further discriminated against by 'positive discrimination' laws. As they did so, they nodded now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. They drank their beer and they chuckled about how pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the ever-increasing council tax - even though those same pensioners' income from savings had been decimated in Labour's ruined economy - and all local services had been cut - yet council workers' salaries and fat pension schemes had again been increased well beyond inflation. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to Brown & Darling's Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure. To the bewilderment of Brown and Darling, people of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour. Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old local custom? 'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'.

[slinger]

[slinger]

And today's award for the Best Banner Seen On A Brexit March, goes to...

[TheMarlin]

[howardc1951]

So it's a left... another left... another left... a final left. Seems like I never left.

[slinger]

Blimey, that's posh.

[slinger]

http://www.shelleyberman.com/little-soaps.html

In this days of distanced communication, I thought this deserved a reprise.

[slinger]

[howardc1951]

He wiped away her tears - and accidently her eyebrows too.

Wife: Did I put on a bit of weight during lockdown?
Husband: Well you weren't exactly skinny before lockdown.
Time of death: 11.00 pm.
Cause of death: Covid19